July 27^th, 2012, Thursday evening, 8:53pm

 

    We're home now. Been home since about 5:30 or so. Today me and Brian went to Maximum Access. I answered a couple of calls. Not but a couple, though.

    Daddy got me set up on Command Prompt on my computer. Step 1 complete I said. Hopefully, soon they will teach me to troubleshoot calls. I told them they don't have to pay me, that I'm already there a lot, I might as well learn something incase they need me sometime.

     I started day 2 of losing weight today. I drank a protein shake for breakfast. Around 10 am, I went and took a nap, it seemed like the day would never end, and it was just getting started. I couldn't eat til 12, so I decided I would just go to sleep.

     I slept til 12, got up and ate the first thing I saw, fig newtons, about 10 of them. Then we grabbed the steak and sausage off the stove, and ate some of that, and then some asaparagus. I drank my coffee black again today, but now I'm wanting some with half and half.

    I started counting my calories, and came to 1140 after lunch. I decided I couldn't eat the rest of the day, not even a protein shake. I was dead set on it.

    I went back to sleep after lunch, until 2 or 3. When I got up, Brian was gone to the bank, and to get the oil changed, and the battery changed, in Delhi at Vicki's.

    He called when I got up and I got to talk to him while he was waiting.

    While he was gone, Mama brought up Daniel. She had seen Seth and Lance at Gannaway's, and wanted to tell me that Seth wanted Daniel's deer head. I have no use for that deer head, and it means nothing to me. Seth was actually there that night, and I'd be glad for him to have it.

    I sat at the bar, sad, and realized that it's just a part of who I am now, missing Daniel, and waiting to see him.

    Brian came in, and cheered me up. He totally understands.

    This day is dwindling down fast, and I am so glad for it. We'll be up maybe another 2 hours, 3 at the most. I think I can hang that long.

    Anyway, so I decided to not eat. Turned out, when I left Mama's I felt like I was dead. There was this new kind of power that came over me, saying no to food, and I am truly skeptical of it, regardless of what kind of power it is. Brian seemed worried, me turning down 20 calories of green beans, and wanted to know if he could take me to the store to find me something to eat. So much concern. I was powerful. It immediately reminded me of those anorexic people that lose weight and feel powerful from all the attention and praise, or Karen Carpenter, and not eating and she eventually died. I decided not to dig into that kind of power, or even use it.

    When I got home, I immediately made some green beans, ate them, and then wanted something else, so I suggested rotel to Brian, which he made, and we ate plenty of and in the mean time I ate some Jalepeno chips. I'm stuffed now, and Brian just made me some coffee, which I am going to put half and half in.

    I could really go to bed, my brain feels tired. I feel emotionally exhausted. I've gone through a lot today, and didn't mean to.

    I finally got to watch The Help, and decided to write a book. But then I got to thinking that my rite of passage will probably be to write about those closest to me, and I decided that was selling out, and that I didn't know what kind of reaction my parents would have to something like that, and the last thing I want to do is hurt them or anyone else in any way. I put my faith in God that if it isn't for the best, I'm not going to do it.

    I'm not selling out. Period. And I'm not hurting anyone. I figure, that all this stuff will probably be published one day, when I'm dead. Go figure.

    My kids will probably pub lish it.

    Maybe not.

    Who wants to read a bunch of old journals?

    Well, who knows.

    Right now I don't feel good. My stomach hurts and I feel like I'm going to cry.

    I wish I could just cry, tears don't even come to my eyes.

    Me and Brian are now watching Lost, so it's got to be about time for bed, THANK GOD!