August 28th, 2012 - Tuesday

August 28^th, 2012 – Tuesday

       Good Tuesday morning! The sun is shining, and hopefully it’s not too hot out there this morning, cause I’m about to be all up in it!

       Brian is heading to work now, it’s 7:45am, and I’m staying here, because I volunteered to stay home today and get the yard mowed. We were going to do it last night, but we were both so tired, that I offered to do it myself while Brian goes to work today, and that was okay with Mama, so that’s what I’m about to do, as soon as the dew dries up a little bit.

       I’m going to drink less caffeine today, because for the past few days, I’ve had nothing but headaches all day long, and I’m thinking it’s because that’s all I’ve been drinking is coke, coffee, and tea, all full of caffeine.

       Yesterday I had protein shake (340), coffee (300), soup (175) crackers (150) beer (110x2) coke (500) skinny cow ice cream sandwich (150) = 1835 for the day.

       Definitely cutting out those cokes, maybe 1 here and there, but I would be at 1335 for the day without that Route 44 Sonic Coke yesterday.

       Well I just weighed, and the scale said 231.0 this morning, so I’m keeping it steady I guess, although it did say 230.6 a couple days ago. .4 pounds could be anything though, so I’m  not going to sweat it. I’m going to try to stay under 1200 calories today, and do my very best to do that. Since I’m at home this morning, and don’t have my protein powder, I guess I can have some oatmeal at some point, and use water instead of milk. That’ll cut 150 calories there.

       I guess we will have soup for lunch again, cause it’s so easy, and I don’t have any leftovers from last night, because I didn’t end up cooking, or really doing anything, but spending time with Brian. We didn’t get home til about 6, or a little after, watched Espn First Take, Brian played football, and I gave all my guilt for going on with my life from Daniel and Jason’s loss, to the Lord.

       It was a very eventful night, and took a lot out of me, but I felt a little better after every effort, and I know that I will feel even better as time goes on.

       We watched Perception last night, and it’s about the mentally ill, and I really enjoyed watching it, and hope that this show will help change the perceptions of those of us with mental illnesses, and show that we are people just like you are, we just gotta take medicine for our brains is all, instead of our hearts or whatever else people take medicine for.

       The only thing that gets me about the mentally ill, is that they don’t want to take their medicines. It’s so weird. Part of being mentally ill is not wanting to take your medicine, yet you’re only mentally ill when you don’t take your medicine, so why not just take it? I take my meds every day, and I’m not missing a day, because I’m just as bad as that guy on perception last night, making up stories, and living in a different world…. That is…. When I don’t take my medicine. Brian said on my medicine I’m just like everybody else in this world. I believe that, and I also believe that although I may seem a little different to some, it’s because Christ makes me different, and my relationship with Him is what makes me different.

       Brian and I really only have 1 friend, and that’s Jennifer and Twig Branch. They say in this life if you have one friend, that you are very fortunate, and that’s all most ever have. I mean we have other friends, that we just don't ever see, but only really one that we talk to regularly and see regularly. Sure, I could have some good time buddies, but I’ve had plenty of those to last for a lifetime, and if they aren’t going to be there for me in times of trouble, then I don’t want them around anyway. Give me my one true friend, and my family, and we both have huge families, praise Jesus, cause He knew we’d need them.

       We’ve about decided to have about 8 kids, to start a big family all over from scratch for our kids, because having a big family is so important. We realize that kids cost money, but I truly believe if that’s the Lord’s will, then He will provide all things. As He says in the Bible, do not worry about what you will eat or wear, like the lilies in the valley are clothed, so shall you be. I trust that. I believe that. And God promises that.

       I told Brian last night, that if we have 8 kids, we are going to have to have 10 toilets, because sure enough, one day we will all go eat Mexican, and come back, and every single one of our stomachs will be messed up, and we’ll all have to go to the bathroom, and it’ll be me shitting outside, sure enough, and then walk in and say, we’re getting another toilet. Brian and I laughed about that real hard, just enjoying the idea of having a bunch of kids.

       Whatever happens, we are staying in this house. I have no desire to leave this home that God, Brian, me, Mom, & Dad have all built together, and laid our foundations firmly here. We’ll just add onto this one, 2 more bedrooms, and a lot of toilets and showers. Me and Brian are going to have to sit down and do some planning for the house to hold 8 kids before we ever build on. He’s got a degree in drafting, so he’s more than capable of doing it, and of course, I’ll help him, with my creative flair. This is probably going to be a really big home by the time we get finished with it, it’s going to have to be.

       Besides, we are up here by the river! Our kids can go fishing in the front yard anytime they want. We love living out here, where it’s quiet, away from all the cars and the hustle and bustle, and our church is right up the road and Roy and Denise are the best neighbors in the world.

3:27pm

       Well, earlier this morning, I got my happy butt up and picked up the glass in the yard from the table. I had to wear work gloves, and pull out some grass, cause the glass was everywhere, but it was tempered which it made it a little easier, and I’m glad for it, cause there weren’t any sharp edges, Thank the Lord.

       As I was picking it up, I wanted to mow next, and the grass was flooded, and I thought about mowing anyway. I moved to getting the limbs out of the yard, thinking it was just wet in one spot, but sure enough, as I took those limbs to the back yard, half of our entire yard was flooded.

       I checked the water hose, and Brian had about left it on full blast, though it was supposed to only trickle, so I fixed that, and came in. I called Brian, and he was sorry, and I was sorry we couldn’t mow again today, and probably won’t be able to til our water pump gets fixed, this hurricane blows over, and all the yard dries up, which will probably be on Saturday.

       My prayer is it doesn’t grow too high this week, til we can get it mowed, and be able to mow it with our mower, and not a bush hog. Being gone for a week put us a little bit in a bind, and we just haven’t been able to catch up just yet.

       Brian picked me up at about 11 am, and we went to Walmart, and bought his Madden game that came out today, and I was so hungry that I picked up some lunch items, chips, ramen noodles, soup, lipton soup secrets, yakisoba, you know, things like that.

       We ate chips all the way home, me feeding Brian while he was driving, and me shoveling them in one after another. I didn’t even count it, but we bought two bags, and I probably had 2 servings a piece, 150 calories each serving, so 600 calories just on the chips. I got back, and ate a yokisoba thingy, 400 calories in it, plus coffee (100) so I’ve had 1100 calories today. That means I won’t get dinner tonight, but that’s okay I know, because Mr. Billy in Delta City told me skipping dinner keeps you lean. I trust him, cause he’s older and wiser than me. I’m not even hungry anyway, so it won’t hurt to skip dinner, I know I’ve got plenty of fuel in my body now as it is. I am drinking a glass of sweet tea now, so that’s probably 100 calories, so I’m at 1200. Brian is eating chips again, he had soup and crackers for lunch, but he’s a man, and can eat more than me, on a scheduled calorie count anyway.

       Today is Day 210, Week 30, Day 2. We figured 30 weeks is about 7 months, so we figure March. I am so tempted just to go ahead and get pregnant now, but I know I would be so miserable and my stomach doesn’t need to stretch any more than it already has, being this big. So I’m going to wait, and that’ll put me at about 11 months since I’ve been hospitalized, and that’s healthy. I’m planning on going to Glenwood for this process, because knowing Conway, they’ll throw my ass back in the hospital as soon as I have those babies, just to be mean, and I’m not taking that risk. But I will be right back on my meds, right afterwards. I’ll ask for my medication first thing after I greet my new babies into the world, maybe even before.

       When we got back from Walmart, we all watched the weather for a while, and I realized it’s turning fall, because everyone’s attitude is changing, the atmosphere is changing, and it just is beginning to feel like fall. Thank You Jesus the summer is almost over! IT was a hot one!

       I know most people love summer because school is out, but I think they let school out because summer would just be unbearable in school, because it’s so damn hot. Fall and Spring are my favorite seasons, Fall is always so much fun because of football season. Spring ought to be fun this year as well, because I’m going to plant some flowers, but I’m going to do that this fall as well. I’m thinking azaleas in the front of my home, I don’t know, maybe some hydrangeas. I don’t know just yet. I need to be looking, cause it’s getting close to September/October, and those are the months to do it.

       We’re thinking of skipping out on the cruise, and instead using that 3000 dollars on something that will last, like Brian a truck, and I really think that’s what we are going to do. Instead of spending all that money on a cruise, we might just go stay in a tiny motel in Florida for few days, walk on the beach, and only spend around 800-1000 dollars instead. We wouldn’t do anything, but Brian really needs a vacation, and he doesn’t need to sit at the house all day every day for a week on his vacation. So I’m going to have to check into that as well.

       It’s getting rainy looking outside, and Mama is out there blowing off her porch, and I can hear her out there fighting with Duke and probably the chickens.

       I talked to my Granny this morning, and she was doing good, just cleaning the house, like I need to be doing right now. She said they haven’t heard anything about Aunt Charlene, that she may have had a stroke, but that they are running tests to see what’s wrong, and are checking her heart this time. Poor Aunt Charlene, she was just getting over the last stroke.

       Today I have on my black shorts, purple LSU tshirt, and a colorful necklace, and my rings, and earrings, and flip flops. All Mine, so I’m doing better today. And! I’ve got on my makeup. My hair does need to be washed though, and I’ve got it in a ponytail. I’ll have to take a shower tonight, cause I just don’t have time in the mornings, and we’ve got to be at the Monroe Behavioral Health Clinic tomorrow morning at 9, and it’s going to be raining, so we’ve got to leave by 7:45, like we do for work every day.

      

August 27th, 2012 - Monday

August 27^th, 2012 – Monday

5:02am

       It’s Monday morning, and Mr. Sully is already up and got to jumping. He’s chasing green tree frogs on our sliding glass doors, but not catching them, cause his little kitty self can’t go outside without supervision.

       I’m making coffee, and blogging, and Brian has another hour before he has to get up. I was having horribly ungrateful dreams, and I hate it when I do that. I woke up and the clock said 4:58, so I got up on time this morning.

       I’ve got to walk first thing, go ahead and get that over with, since we are mowing the yard this evening. It’s going to be a feat, cause the yard is so high, and we’ve still got that glass to pick up from the patio table breaking in the storm 2 weeks ago. I don’t know that we’ll ever get all those shards up.

       I really want one of those coffee pots that holds your coffee and keeps it warm, but doesn’t have to be plugged in, so I can bring it to the table with me, and not have to get up every time I want a cup of coffee. Kinda like a teapot, but one that holds heat. I don’t know if they even make those. I’ve seen silver serving pots, and that’s pretty much what I’m looking for, I’ll just have to look around and see what I can see. It’d be good if it was thermal.

       I can’t believe it’s Monday already, a week later. Brian and I are just going to pick up from today, and not even worry about last week or the week before, because there’s no way we can catch up on all that, and looking back over the week is just hurtful. We start from today, and move forward.

       The scale said 234.4 this morning, and I know that is incorrect, cause I just haven’t eaten enough food to put me there. So I’m taking my fluid pill, and going to weigh again tomorrow morning, and get started from there. Today is Day 211, Week 30, Day 1.

       We decided last night, to have a protein shake for breakfast, soup for lunch, and that egg/broccoli/cheese thingy out of my low cal cookbook for dinner. I’ve got all the ingredients from 2 weeks ago, and I need to cook it, before my broccoli goes bad.

       I’m going to get on the treadmill at 6:30, so that gives me an hour to do whatever I want, and my kitchen desperately  needs to be cleaned, but I’m still thinking about sewing this morning. It would be really nice this evening to come home to a clean kitchen though, so I might just do that. Or I might just sit here and blog, and get on facebook.

       It’s just still so hard. I catch myself pausing more, just pausing. I’ll finish a thought, and then pause before going on. I guess that’s a good thing though, because my mind isn’t moving from one thing to another so quickly. But it’s like I’m dazed and confused. I know and trust it will get better though.

11:48 am

       Well I did get most of the kitchen cleaned before work. I ran out of dishwashing liquid, so I had to stop, because like almost all dishwashers, I pretty much have to knock the stuck on crud off before I put them to wash, and I had some serious stuck on crud. What can I say? Brian and his rotel dip….

       I walked for 10 minutes this morning as well, and I haven’t felt that good or that strong in a while. I started getting a little disoriented, maybe because of the endorphins? I don’t know why, but I stopped at 10 minutes. It might be my meds too, I think I may need a lower dose now. I’ll have to talk to the Dee on Wednesday at 9am, and see what she thinks about it. I see Dr. Carter in about 2 more months, so if he thinks it’s a good idea, I’d like to lower my dose, and see how good I do.

       I even had time to finish Brian’s squares (except for the Georgia ones) this morning. And I just ordered his Georgia fabric, so it should be in a few days from now.

       We made it to work on time, but I was disoriented from the medication I think, so I went and took a nap, until 10 am. Daddy was here when I got up, and we talked about doing the spreadsheets a little bit, and the first phone call I answered was the man from the well service in Winnsboro, and it turned out that he would do it for half the price the other man quoted, so we’re going to get him out to do it, if we can get ahold of him again, which we should, because I left him a message already, and have called him two times. Next time I call him, I’m calling from the office phone though, because he probably doesn’t recognize my cell number. I don’t blame him, I don’t answer calls I don’t recognize either, and I never check my voicemail.

       Mr. Don Englerth came by and him and Daddy played on the computer a bit, some web page they are both interested in, and he just left just now on his Harley. Him and Daddy are going to ride bikes later on this afternoon, before it starts raining with the Hurricane later on this week. It’s pretty good weather for it, dang bugs everywhere though, but that’s why they got a helmet.

       Brian is doing really good today, he hasn’t missed a phone call, just working as hard as he ever has, and visiting with everyone. He’s not up to spirits just yet, but he’s doing what he needs to do, and I know how hard it must be for him today.

       It’ll get easier, every day that passes, and we’ve all fallen back in the swing of things together this morning. We’re drinking coffee, and they are all eating biscuits, and I’ve got my protein shakes, everything physical is back in the routine.

       Daddy was holding Ms. Gracie like a baby, and I know he needs some grandchildren, cause that dog is his baby like no dog I’ve ever seen be one. I told him it’d be when I reach 170 pounds, and he didn’t say anything, but he didn’t say anything either way, so that’s good that he didn’t say no, because they have said no before, on account of my mental health.

       I’ve got to sit down a minute tonight, and write thank you cards to Mrs. Pat, Aunt MaryBeth, Aunt Becky & Uncle Joe, and Mama & Daddy, for all they did for us last week. I bought some pretty cards at Walmart on Saturday, and I’ve got them here, but I want the notes to be thoughtful, so I feel that I’m going to need some peace and quiet to write them, and really say thank you.

       I get really excited about sending letters in the mail, because I’m in love with handwritten letters, and have been ever since I was born I think. I used to write to Uncle Jay and Aunt Angel when he was in Colorado in the Army, and I was only in the 1^st grade, or younger. I had a pen pal for a while, and then I lost touch. I’ve had pen pals through the years, though. I feel that this blog could be a pen pal to the world.

       So to write these thank yous, I’ve got to be calm and considerate, and it’s going to take some time, and thought, and thoroughness.

2:43PM

       Brian and I just got back from Delhi. We had to run to the post office, get gas for the lawnmower, go to the bank, and pick up a few groceries for Mama. On the way back, I began to feel that oh so familiar guilt about getting on with my life. When I got back, the only thing I could do, was go to the bedroom, and place it in Jesus hands, because it will eat me alive, like it did with Daniel. Thanks to my merciful Savior and Lord, he took that guilt, and I am getting on with my life, and our life, mine and Brian, in Christ Jesus.

       We have started putting numbers into my Google Documents now, and we have gotten the A’s done for the North Network, and only have to put in the tower names, which we are working on at this point, until Brian received a trouble call, and he is working on that now.

       Oh the Love and Mercy of Jesus, that covers everything, and How I Love HIM.

       Daddy’s back, and working on some trouble in Start. Mama is helping him, and hopefully they will get it back up running correctly very soon.

       Today I’ve got on my LSU tshirt, Brian’s ESPN fleece pj pants, and some pink fuzzy house shoes of Mama’s. I’m just a hodgepodge today, borrowing clothes here and there. I”ve got my hair up in a clip, and no makeup, but I’ve got my jewelry on, earrings, necklace, and rings, and I am very comfortable.

       I should have worn makeup today, I look better with it on, but I didn’t feel like having something on my face early this morning, and now I do. I knew I should have brought it with me this morning, and thought about it, but didn’t do it.

       I think I’m going to walk again tonight, because I’m feeling kinda hyper, and need to get on that treadmill and burn off some of this energy.

       So far today I’ve had a protein shake (340) and a Route 44 coke, which I didn’t finish (350)  and coffee (200) = 900  calories for the day, thus far.

      

August 26th ,2012 = Sunday

August 26^th, 2012- Sunday

       It’s a beautiful Sunday morning again this Sunday. Been up since about 6:30am, and have been facebooking and drinking coffee ever since, and it’s 7:21am now.

       I’ve missed hearing about what’s been going on with everybody this past week, and am glad to be back online and posting and blogging now.

       I’m thinking about resetting my countdown to be to when I reach 170 instead of 120, but before I do, I’ve got to talk to Brian about it some more, just to make sure he’s completely on board with us having children. I think he will be, I’m almost positive about it, as long as we’ve got a lot of our debt paid off, which we should very soon, when we get our income check back, which they said it would be 30-60 days, in the next few months.

       I really want children, I love them so much, and kids love me too. The funny thing is that I can hold someone’s kid for a while, and then the mom always wants her back after I hold her/him for a little while. I’m not trying to steal their kid, although I would take him/her, and I always give them back when the mom wants them. I just think it’s funny, cause kids love me.

       I got to play with Myles and Maddie Grace, and Cody Wood’s little boy, C.J., and I had so much fun with them, nurturing their little talents and abilities. I think I rubbed off on all those kids, I just hope none of them ever smoke, and I always feel guilty for smoking in front of kids.

       Most kids listen to me, and I hope my kids will too. I just gotta keep a positive attitude, but my kids probably won’t listen to me, cause I think that’s how it goes with parents. Maybe I’ll be blessed, and they will.

       Brian’s still asleep, but I’ve got to get him up soon, so that he can have his coffee and his sports before church. Dallas won last night, so he got lucky, and I think the Saints did too. I got so mad at those refs last night, they were calling everything under the sun, and I began demanding an end to the ref strike.

       LSU plays Saturday, and I can’t wait for that game to begin. Hopefully we will have a good team this year. I’m kinda upset about the Honey Badger, but I hear he’s cleaning his life up, and this may be the turning point in this young man’s life.

       The Lord has a message for us this Sunday morning, for all of us that go to the Lord’s house and worship, and I don’t want to miss it, so we are going to church this morning.

       Brian is in there stirring around, so I figure he’s about to get up, and Mr. Sully just went to go check and see. He’s been following me around this morning, wanting some kitty love, so I’ve petted and held him and loved my little kitty.

       Sambo is sad cause Charlie never came back after Monday night Mama said. So he lost his brother this week too, and has no other dog to play with. I should’ve put Charlie on the chain, but I didn’t think it would be good to chain him up day and night all week long, so I told Brian he would be fine, and it turned out, he wasn’t. I’m so sorry about that, and next time we have a dog, we’ll make sure they can’t get away when we go away. Sambo is on an electric fence, and we had Charlie on it too, but Sambo chewed up Charlie’s collar and receiver about 5 times, and those things are 120 dollars every time, so we just started chaining him up instead. We should have chained him up, and it’s my fault we don’t still have him, cause puppies make stupid mistakes.

       I don’t think I’m up for Sunday School this morning, so I think we are just going to go to morning and evening church. We’ve got Lenai a present, so I hope Jennifer and Twig are there this morning too, which I hope they are there anyway, I love seeing them every week at church.

       I am going to wear my blue dress this morning, and I’ve got to take a shower, but I’ve got about an hour and a half, so I think I’m going to go ahead and sew some this morning, I’ve got an itch to do it.

       We didn’t get to mow our yard yesterday, we were just too lazy, and then it started to rain again. I don’t know that we will get it done today either, since we are going to church tonight, and I don’t want to take another shower after I mow before church this evening.

       Mama is cooking us chicken and rice today for lunch, so we’ll be going over there after church, and see how she’s doing today. I guess we will start getting dressed at around 9:30 this morning, so I’ve got an hour and 45 minutes. Going to go sew!

6:48pm

       We just got finished eating dinner. I made deer backstrap & gravy, buttered succotash, and mustard greens. I barely ate my backstrap, I’m used to cooking the tenderloin, and it just didn’t cook the same. It was still good, just not the same.

       I think I’m about to get me one of those skinny cow ice cream sandwiches. So today I’ve had protein shake (340) chicken (150) rice (300) gravy (100) peas (75) chips (150) coffee (200) deer steak (150) buttered succotash (100) greens (50) skinny cow (150 x 2) milk (150) = 2065 for the day.

       I can already see that eating a big lunch and a big supper just aren’t going to cut it. It’s going to have to be one or the other. Buy hey! It’s Sunday, cut me some slack now would ya?

       I’ve been sewing all day, since we got back from Mama’s after church. I’ve got all but about 5 of Brian’s patches done, and then 4 more that I’ve got to order Georgia Bulldogs fabric for, and I’ll work on the rest of Mama’s while I wait for that to come in.

       I’m kinda getting tired of just sewing squares. Granny said the Log Cabin was easy, so when I make Dad & Auntie’s quilts, I’m going to use the Log Cabin pattern & make them that way.

       As I was sewing today, I realized how repetitious life is, but I trust in the Lord, that though it may be repetitious, He is merciful in the repetition of all things. All we can do is fear Him, Love Him, and trust in His infinite Kindness and Mercy and Love.

       We talked to Lacy today, and she was doing okay, just taking it one day at a time. She said, It just sux, and I thought that was a good way to put it, It just sux.

       I didn’t take a nap today, which means I must be feeling better, cause I usually do.

9:56 pm

       Did take a nap, cause I had a fight or flight response, and I know it wasn’t mine, had to be because of Granny or Mama’s health. Granny has diabetes and Mama is on the verge if she doesn’t have it already. Usually I get a feeling about something going on in my family’s life, and know to call them and check on them. The Lord has given me this gift, and I try to make sure all of them are okay.

       I didn’t recognize it today, and thought it was me, so I took my Metformin and went to sleep. I still have the feeling of fight or flight now, and have called both Granny and Mama and have talked to both of them, so I’m just praying that Mama goes and gets that Diabetes test this week, cause I think she’s done switched from hypoglocemia to diabetes now.

       Daddy is still at the camp, but he’s coming home tonight, soon, but I really hope he stays there if he’s sleepy, although it would be good for him to be home with Mama too, and wake up and see us at home in the morning. Still, it’s late, and he might just do better to stay there tonight. I’m staying up til I get a text that he has made it home.

       Brian and I have gone through a lot of changes this week, and I know Mama and Daddy, and maybe even Uncle Jay have all really missed us at work too while we’ve been gone. It’s going to be a challenge tomorrow to get us all back together, and I feel for sure our changes will rub off onto them as well, and we will all grow together this week, and for the duration. May God grant us the Grace, Mercy, Patience, Understanding, and Peace that we will all need this week to come through it all together.

       Brian is in there brushing his teeth, and we are getting ready for bed, just waiting on a text from Mama or Daddy. All I can say is that knucklehead better hurry up and leave camp or go to sleep before too long, or I’m going to be up for a while.

       Brian has quit smoking, cause he felt so bad yesterday after a day long puff of cigarette smoke. He smoked 12, the most he’s ever smoked in his life, and felt like crap. I think I saw him smoke 1 or 2 today, but I also saw him dipping, so I don’t think he’s going to wholeheartedly make the switch, and I am glad for that.

       I feel for sure I would feel better as well, if I quit smoking. And I will, it won’t be long.

       I talked to Brian, and we have definitely decided to go ahead with children at 170.  So my countdown now starts with 210 days, 30 weeks, Day 1 starts Tuesday, with my weigh in. I would start tomorrow, but I didn’t take a fluid pill today, and I just know I’m full of salt. Okay, okay, I’ll start tomorrow morning. And I start back walking tomorrow too. So Monday morning everything starts back, with a different countdown. I just hope I weigh 230.6 or less tomorrow morning, but we will see.

       I have to lose 60 pounds, and then I will have reached my goal. I’m not worried about being skinny Minnie for a while, I want babies, and I can lose weight and be healthy for them afterwards.

       I just don’t want to be big as a house when I’m pregnant, because I probably will be anyway, because twins runs in my family. My great grandmother or aunt was a twin on the Garley side, and there have already been born two sets of twins in my generation thus far right now.

       I would love to have twins, and it doesn’t even matter the sexes of them. Brian is a twin, and his mother is a twin, so isn’t it just fitting that he would marry someone with twins running in their family?

       Tomorrow I plan on getting started with putting all the numbers into the spreadsheets like we talked about week before last, if they are all up to it, cause they’ve had a long few months as well, and I know last week was hard on everyone with us not being there.

       I feel for Brian, having to answer all the phones, and I plan on helping him some and troubleshooting where I can, and getting Daddy to set up the Network on my computer, if he will.

       I’m looking forward to tomorrow, because I can’t look back at yesterday or even today for that matter. All I know is to look forward to the future, and keep going, and planning, and doing. It’s hard to do right now, and I will just take it one day at a time, and pray Brian and the rest of the family do the same.

       I’ve grown so much in the past week, more than anybody or even me knows. Brian too.

       We were talking about Hollywood actors and how I really don’t like anyone but Mel Gibson. Why is it that Alec Baldwin can call his daughter a little pig, yet Mel Gibson can’t clearly give his opinion on Jews and others? I mean, Alec Baldwin got off scott free, and even got a new show, and became even more popular, where Mel Gibson has been completely black balled from the public. Doesn’t make any sense to me. Alec hurt his own family, Mel Gibson didn’t hurt anyone. You know what that tells me? There’s a lot of people out there hurting their own family, and gave him a pass, cause they’ve done the same thing.

       We’re not watching Lost tonight for a change, but have opted for Pirates of the Caribbean. We usually start on the first one, watch it over and over, and then go to the second, third, and fourth, doing the same for all of them. Actually I think Brian started on this movie yesterday, but it doesn’t surprise me that we are watching it again tonight. That’s just Brian, he’ll watch them over and over.

      

      

      

August 25, 2012

August 25^th, 2012 – Saturday

       Finally. It’s Saturday. It’s been such a long hard week. But me and Brian and coming through it together.

       Oh the Love and Mercy of God. As Brian and I have been coming through this together, he has actually led me past a marker that I have been at for 10 years now, hung up, and didn’t know a way out. Brian started talking about how he wanted to go to heaven, and I felt the same and have felt the same for 10 years now. And I felt we were both just falling into a depression,  so both of us prayed to the Lord, and gave him that longing to go home, cause neither of us could deal with it.

       Then Brian started talking about reality, and how unreal it seems. He was really really struggling. I was there too, still there from Daniel, and we both prayed to want to know the reality, and for God to lead us through it, and show it to us, that we may be able to grasp reality, and gave it to HIM, because we couldn’t even begin to work that out, only God can and knows how.

       It says in the Bible that all things happen for the good of those who love the Lord, and it’s already happening in my life and Brian’s life, and for the first time in our marriage, we are actually of the same mind, at the same place. But we’d rather have David any day than this.

       Yesterday I got on the scale and it said 236.2. I took a fluid pill, cause my hands were so swollen, and this morning I just got on the scale and it said 230.6, so I’ve actually lost a pound from last week.

       This week I’m going to set my goal for 5 pounds, but if I lose 2-3 I’ll still be happy, and that’s realistic, but I like setting my goal at 5 pounds.

       Yesterday,  we went and saw Mama at home, and paid our bills there, cause she had our mail. We stopped by Bee Bayou (cannon’s) for a coke, and I got a boudin link & a corn dog, and Brian got a piece of pizza. We also stopped at Pilot and I bought some sweet & salty nut mix. And it had 900 calories for the whole bag, but I don’t know how many calories are in the boudin link and the corn dog.  Then we went by the bank, and Hancock Fabric, and I got all kinds of fabric for Brian’s quilt, and the material to finish Mama’s quilt too. After that, Brian was hungry so we went to El Chico in West Monroe. Brian ate, but I didn’t. I had a couple chips, but there was still a whole bowl at the end of the meal. Brian ordered the steak, and it had some good vegetables on the side, and I ate those, but that’s all I had yesterday.

       Brian decided to start smoking cigarettes at some point yesterday. When we got in the car after El Chico, he wanted a cigarette, and I told him no, and pleaded with him, but then soon realized after he said he’d buy a pack when I didn’t know about it, that if he wanted to smoke, he was going to smoke, and I’ve got to let him make his own decisions.

       In Mississippi, his cousin John Mac, showed him a picture of a man with his mouth eaten away from dip, so Brian got a little bit scared. I mean, cigarettes and dip can both kill ya. If he wants to smoke, let him smoke, it’s Brian’s life, and he gets to make his own decisions, and I’m not going to tell him he can’t, but I did tell him when we have kids, neither one of us is going to smoke, cause I don’t want our babies smoking.

       We went by Sam’s to get a membership there, but it must have been membership day at Sam’s, because everybody was in line for a card yesterday. Neither Brian nor I felt like standing in that line, so we decided we would just come back tomorrow, which is today now.

       Now that I think about it, it’s probably because it was a Friday, and everyone just got paid. And too, I’m not sure we are going to go today, cause I was just wanting some of their frozen food for the next couple weeks, something easy to pop in the oven or microwave, but I’m kinda feeling like cooking now, so we might just go to Super One later, and get a Sam’s Card and a freezer next month, since everything is in bulk.

       We are going to see Daddy at his camp today, cause we didn’t get to see him yesterday. He’s building a porch onto his deer camp, and we’re going to go check on the progress of that up in Collinston. He doesn’t know it yet though, so I’ve got to call him and make sure he’s around, and not out in the woods on his 4 wheeler later today.

       Mama’s staying at home today, and doing her statements for the month, and going to clean house. We plan on stopping back by there on the way back from Monroe, or wherever we go today.

       Our water pump is going out, and my Daddy & Mama have volunteered to get it fixed for us, and pay all the expenses. They spent all day Friday looking for us a service man to come out and fix it right, get us a  new pump, and water cylinder, and install it for us, bear no expense. My parents are so generous, and always make sure we have everything that we need. I pray that the Lord bless them, as they have blessed us. Daddy said there’s a lot of things you can go without, but water isn’t one of them.

       Until Monday or Tuesday, we will have to turn our pump off at night, and let it run during the day. Well both me and Brian forgot to turn it off last night, so we turned it off this morning after I made coffee, so I can’t really clean right now, for a few hours, so I guess I’ll sew some this morning instead.

       Mr. Sully is in the sliding glass doors, waiting for the sunshine to come on out today. I guess I’m going to have to put his harness on him and take him outside at some point so that he can breathe the fresh air and get some sunshine.

       We’ve got to mow today too, although I don’t think our ditches will be dried up just yet, so we’ll try to do those Sunday after church.

       I feel so much better, better than I’ve felt in 10 years, now that Brian and I have pulled through these things together. I think we are out of the woodshed, and I thank God that He pulled us through, and gave me Brian that would lead me out of it as well.

5:41 pm

       I just got back from Rayville, the Walmart to be exact. I had stopped by there to pick up some more rotary wheels, cause mine wouldn’t cut anymore, and ended up picking up way more than that. Today is Lenai’s birthday, so I picked her up a few things to give to her tomorrow, and some more thread, and a couple of grocery items.

       I saw Aunt Mary Beth and Aunt Becky as I was checking out, none of us looked particularly good, so we just chit chatted a minute, and looked at each other’s purchases, and then headed out into the rain to go back home.

       Brian didn’t go with me, because he didn’t feel like going anywhere today, so I just went, and I’m glad I did, because it felt good to get out of the house.

       I fought going, but as soon as I headed down the road, I realized it wasn’t so bad, and thought about driving to Sam’s, but when I got to Walmart, I realized that was just too far to drive today, and Brian will probably want to go when we go.

       I’ve had a protein shake today (340), and some peanuts (170), and some coffee (200) = 711 for the day so far, and I’m about to eat some rotel here in just a minute.

       I haven’t walked today, and I really need to get back on that treadmill, really really badly, but I just don’t know that I’m up for it, cause both me and Brian have been feeling kinda sickly.

       I’ve been sewing most of the day, though I did get a load of clothes washed, and am about to start back here in just a minute, and sew some more, and wash some more clothes.

       Brian is watching the Braves game now, and will watch the Cowboys tonight. I made him a patch with Cowboys/4leaf clovers, that will hopefully bring his Cowboys some luck this season. He says they don’t need luck, cause they are just that good, but he is apparently oblivious to their real athletic abilities on the field.

      

      

August 19, 2012- Sunday

August 19, 2012 – Sunday

            Oh it’s a BEAUTIFUL Sunday  morning! Everything is quiet, the kitties are sleeping, and I am praising the Lord for such a beautiful morning! Everything feels right.

            I woke up this morning, started to make coffee, and the water was out. So I got a couple of bottles of water, and  poured it in the coffee maker, and got it to going.

            I tried another faucet, and it was out too, so I flipped the breaker, and still no water. I sat down on my couch, and got to thinking about how we weren’t going to be able to go to church, and surrendered to the Lord, that He is in control, so He must not want us to go to church for some reason this morning, though I didn’t know what it was. I didn’t get frustrated, or even mad, just resigned.

            I got up to go potty, and realized quickly, we had no water, so I tried the faucet one more time, and sure enough, the water was on. Praise be To the LORD my God! So it looks like we are going to church!

            I thought our pump was out, cause we have well water, and I really could see us spending all day trying to get that fixed, and I had no idea where we were going to get the money to fix it, or who we would get to fix it, or where we would even begin to get a pump. I thought I guess we’ll have to take showers at Mama & Daddy’s tomorrow while we’re at work. I didn’t know what? But the Lord in His mysterious ways, gave us our water back. But it makes me want to order a pump to have on hand, just for things like this.

            It’s so nice not to have to pay a water bill to the city, but sometimes it’s not so nice, because sometimes we can’t drink the water, cause it’s brown, but I guess it’s the same in the city. I’m definitely not begging or yelling for them to come out here and install city water. One less bill to pay in my book. That’s what you get when you live in the middle of nowhere….it’s so nice. J

            Brian is still asleep, but I’m about to blast his happy butt out of bed, cause we’ve got church in 2 hours! I’m so excited to go to the Lord’s house, and listen to His message, and worship Him! He’s got to have some wonderful instruction for us this morning, and I can’t wait to hear it, so that I can grow some more!

            I get dressed up on Sundays, usually curl my hair and put on makeup. While I’m in the mirror, I think about how I’m getting dressed up for the Lord, cause He’s going to be there. Which reminds me, I’m going to have to run to Mama’s cause I left my make up over there, AGAIN!

            And poor Mama! I just woke her up! Poor poor Mama! Ahhh, I guess I’m going to have to start carrying that gold suitcase around with me everywhere I go every day, so this won’t happen again.  She’s going to leave it outside on top of her car, so she can go back to sleep. Oh, I pray she gets some good sleep this morning.

            Driving there and back is going to take a good 30 minutes, so I’m going to have to leave here by 8:30 at the latest.

            I just woke Brian up. He was crabby, but he’s cheering up quickly. I said it was a beautiful morning, and he said, “in the neighborhood”.

9:32am

            The day started off really good. We went to church this morning, and Brian and I were both uplifted in the singing and the preaching. We stopped by Mama & Daddy’s after church, to see how they were, and see if they had anything cooking for lunch, cause we were hungry!

            They were tired, and had been working all weekend to get towers back up and running. Daddy was about to leave with Chris, and they were going to climb a tower, and get it fixed while Mama stayed at home. I really felt for them, but there was nothing we could do.

            Mama had cooked biscuits and had some eggs and cheese left over, so I ate a couple of bites of that (100), and then she revealed her marvelous homemade peach pie, which I had to have a piece of (350), and then I had a pickled egg (80), some coffee (100). Total at Mama and Daddy’s = 600……and I didn’t even eat a meal!

            We had to go to Walmart and buy a coffee pot, cause ours quit working this morning before church. Mama needed us to pick up some things for her, so we planned to go, but when we got in the car, I was so crabby, I decided I needed a nap RIGHT NOW. There would be no waiting. I had to have one that instant, and couldn’t fight through going to Walmart. So we called Mama and told her we’d go later, and headed home.

            When we got home,  I sat on the couch for a minute, and Brian told me how much he enjoyed church this morning, and that the sermon had really touched him, and that he planned on reading his Bible every day, and growing in Him.

            I was so glad, and gave him a hug, and then I ran back to the bedroom and laid down in my dress and all, so tired and ready for a nap. We planned to go to church tonight as well, so I knew I needed to go ahead and get in my nap.

            We hadn’t laid down for 5 minutes, when the phone started ringing. I told Brian not to answer it, we were napping, but he got up, and answered it anyway. I stayed in the bed, but in about 2 minutes, he walked in.

            Erin, get up now. Erin Get up.

            I knew something was wrong. He never says that to me like that, and I saw the look on his face. What’s wrong? What happened?

            It’s David.     

            David who?

            David.

            Brian could speak no more. He just handed me the phone, and began crying. Todd explained to me that David Arrington, Brian’s brother and my brother in law, had passed away.

            Brian talked to Todd a little bit longer, and then got off, and we were both in total shock. Neither one of us knew what to do. I started eating while Brian was on the phone with Todd. I was so nervous. First I ate beef jerky, then some relish from the tacos. Anything available that I could get my hands on.

            Brian told me to call Mama. She answered and said she knew, that she had talked to Todd when he couldn’t get us. We had decided to go           to Mississippi as soon as we could. We felt that Brian really needed his family today.

            He talked to a few more of his family members, and to me some,  and then we decided it was time to pack. I didn’t have any suitcases, so we stuffed all our things into garbage bags, and headed to Mama’s to unload the bags into suitcases, and tell her we’d see her later in the week.

            I drove to Mama’s because Brian didn’t need to drive. When we got there, we packed the suitcase, packed for 4 days, because we don’t know how long we are going to be there, or when the funeral will be, and we needed to be prepared to stay the duration.

            Turned out that I had left our hanging clothes, and my black dress at home, so I had to run home to get them.  I didn’t really want to go, but it turned out to be a blessing, me having some time to myself to think about things.

            I was confused, and a little angry. On the way back, I finally told God “I can’t. Please help me.” 

            I got back to Mom and Dad’s, and Mom had talked to Brian’s Dad, and they, including Brian, had all decided that it was best to just stay here tonight, and come tomorrow.

            So we stayed at Mom & Dad’s a little while. Mama ran and bought some groceries and got us a coffee pot. Daddy called and talked to Brian, and he was upset, cause my Daddy loves with all his heart, and it hurts him to see anyone hurting, especially his family.

            Brian and I have been praying all night, off and on, and I feel sure that the Lord will bring us through this together. I know that I placed my trust in Him to do just that, and I know He is faithful to bring us through.

            When we got home, I sat with Brian a while, and then started sewing for a while, and then me and Brian watched Falling Skies season Finale.

            We talked and prayed some more, and Brian told the Lord, “I can’t.”

            We’re in the Mancave now, and wouldn’t you know, he’s playing against Mississippi State tonight, David’s team. Brian has been sharing memories of playing games with David, and times that they watched football together. I figure that’s God’s way of saying, You’ll never be without David. And possibly, David’s thinking about Brian right now.

            I’m right here with Brian, but my thoughts are with the whole family tonight, especially Lacie, David’s wife, and his two children, twins of 6 yrs, Maddie Grace and Miles, and Eloise, David’s mother. I cannot imagine the hurt they are experiencing, and I just pray that God’s grace and comfort cover them completely, and that The Lord put His guiding Hands upon them all, and carry them through all this.

            David was a good ole boy. He was a big man, kind, generous, and loving to all he met. There’s so much to say about David, and I know he will be missed terribly to all those that know and love him.

            We are going to Mississippi in the morning, leaving at 8am, and will probably stay the duration, until after the funeral.

            I thank God for the prayers of my Christian friends, and for their love and support for our family today and in the coming days. I know it’s going to get tougher as we see the rest of the family tomorrow.

            I didn’t walk, and I’ll probably overeat this week, and gain all the weight back, but there’s always tomorrow, to get back on the diet, because trust me, that’s the last thing on my mind right now.

            But I do know that I’ve got to keep living, and trust in the Lord, to keep us going strong day after day, loving each other, and not taking each other for granted.

             

August 18, 2012-Saturday

August 18, 2012 – Saturday

5:30am

            It’s a good morning this morning! Been up since 3 am, when Brian finally got in the bed, cause he fell asleep in his chair. Me, I had been in the bed since 9:30, cause I’m an old woman, and I was sleepy.

            Been up cleaning the house this morning. Got my desk cleared of all the dang mail. Junk mail, bills, flyers, magazines had all been piled up on my desk for a while. It took a couple of hours but I finally cleared it off. Now I’ve just got to file.

            I finally found my sewing needles. I started to start cutting out material, took a look around, and realized I had a lot to do, and can’t sew in a mess, so I cleaned up first. It’s still not perfection, and I’ve got to do the floors at some point today. But I am in no hurry to do it.

            I have this wonderful apple pie candle that smells so good. It used to burn good, and now it’s not. Why?  How can I get it to burn good again? I’ve never cut the wick, but it’s still not very tall.  I am beginning to see why people use the scentsy candles for that very reason. But I love them, but they make me frustrated.

            I think I’m about to have a protein shake, cause I’m starting to feel  a little bit dizzy, and I don’t know why.

5:35pm

            Wow. I have some amazing people in my life. They think I’m amazing, but really, it’s the people around me, that inspire me so much, that are so amazing. Mrs. Dianne Donald is one of them. She really encouraged me today, with a simple comment that she enjoys reading my blog, and now I feel so uplifted, happy, joyful, and thankful. It just makes me want to worship the Lord, for there is no one better to praise than Him.

            My next step was a step of devotion, which I just took. Although I’m not entirely sure it has a specific, I think Jesus just led me to be devoted in all things. I am so thankful to grow each day, and continue my walk with Him, because He makes life very worth it, and He is worth all the effort.

            After I had my protein shake this morning, and pestered Mr. Sully a little while, I got to cutting out fabric and sewing. At about 8am, I got to missing Brian. I know he was in the very next room, but still, I had been up for 5 hours, and hadn’t talked to him, or even looked at him.

            Thankfully, he was stirring about in the bedroom, so I went ahead and woke him up, made some more coffee, and sat with him for a while, while he ate some cereal, and watched ESPN 1^st Take.

            Tebow has apparently posed for a Christ-like photo, that is causing some serious controversy.  He’s up there in New York, with all those Christian haters, and all I can say is Thank God I live in the SOUTH!

            I put on a load of clothes and called Granny. She had been up sewing too, and we discussed fabric for Mama’s quilt. I want to get her something fleece for the back, and Granny said flannel is also soft. I got out my Hancock Fabric flyer, and turns out it’s Fleece Open Sale for the next couple of weeks, and I have about 8 coupons I can use.

            I got online and got to looking, and found the perfect fabric. Since Mama likes pink, I’m going to do the front in pink flannel, and the back in LSU fleece. Brian wants the Dallas Cowboys fleece for his, and it’s all on SALE! I thank God, cause it always happens like that, when I need something, I find it on sale at that very time. There’s no one else that could have done that besides HIM.

            Like my couch. I’ve always wanted an old lady couch, and I needed that and some tables when we first moved in this house. We went to Haverty’s, and were looking at a sectional, but I took a look around, and found this couch, in a set with a coffee table and two end tables, all on sale, for 599 dollars. Mama thought I was crazy wanting this couch, but I fell in love with it, and begged Brian, and he finally agreed, and it couldn’t have fit in better with these brown walls.

            At about 10:30am, Mama called. Her and Daddy stayed at the deer camp last night, just to get away from the house/office.  She wanted me and Brian to go let the dogs out, and feed Mr. Duke, so Brian and I left and headed that way .

            We passed Faye’s Burger Barn on the way, and the sign said OPEN, so I thought it would be a good idea to get a hamburger and fries for lunch, so we called it in when we got to Mom & Dad’s.

            I also picked up my quilt that I started a while back, that just needs to be sewn together, cause I’m probably going to get done with Mom’s patches today, and I’m going to need something else to sew on.

            On the way back, the storm was approaching. We picked up our hamburgers and fries, probably 700 calories, and made it home just in time before the storm hit about 5 minutes after we got in the house.

            I took a nap and slept through it, til 2pm. I got up, made coffee, and got to sewing again. I’ve got 14 patches made, and have to make 24, so I have 10 left. I’m making Mom’s quilt bigger than I made Dad’s, so she can wrap up in it, cause his was a little bit small. He said he wants a kangaroo pocket in his to put his feet in, but he won’t let me take it from his house,  so I’m going to have to take my sewing machine over there one day, when I get him some fuzzy plush fabric.

            I called Mama after I woke up, to find out if any towers were down. She said that Delhi was down, and that they were fixin to head up that way, and fix it. I asked her if there was anything we could do, cause we could head to her house, and work from there if we needed to, but she said no, they were going to do everything in Delhi.

            So the Lord was merciful today, cause I think it was an easy fix, and only a couple of towers were down, and some of it was power.

            I looked outside, and our patio table was tipped over, and in 3 pieces. The glass is broken, but thankfully, we know some folks at a glass shop, Delhi Glass, and I planned on going up there Tuesday anyway, so I’ll just bring my table and get another glass put in it.  I know what happened, the umbrella caught the wind, and knocked the whole table over. Gonna have to remember to let that thing down next time. So the umbrella is broken too. But I think I can get a very interesting umbrella on sale somewhere, I’ll have to look around.

            Brian’s in the 3^rd quarter of his football game, and when he gets done, I’m going to try to walk for 30  minutes. At least 20, but I’m shooting for 30 today. I’ve talked to my Granny 4 or 5 times today, just keeping up with our sewing. I tried to call Mama a minute ago, but they must be busy working.

            I’m about to put some clothes on, and do my floors, if I can get Sully out of his bed.

8:09pm

            God is so alive and real in my life. As I was doing the floors tonight, I thought about Granny, and how we talk about the Sunday school lesson, and she said this weeks’ was on the first 2 chapters in Ruth. So I decided to sit down, and read them.

            They were on devotion. Ruth devoted herself to Naomi, and God blessed her for it.  He is so REAL, because just earlier today I felt my step today was devotion, as previously blogged earlier, and then here we are now, after the Sunday school lesson, talking about devotion.

            I took this to mean, that I’m supposed to devote myself to my parents, and their work. I’ve been talking about going back to school, here and there, but this solidified it for me, I’m staying with Maximum Access, and the Lord will bless us for it.

            And may the Lord deal with me every so severely if I try to do something else besides what my parents and husband are doing.

            Granny said Ruth sacrificed her life for Naomi, as I will sacrifice my own, college or whatever, for my parents.

            So the Lord my God answered my prayers about what devotion is about today, and he answered my prayers about what I should do with my life, all in one day.

            God is so good, and so REAL, and so ALIVE. I only wish for everyone to know Him as I do, and Love Him as I do, or better, because He deserves every ounce of Glory that any of us give him, and more. He deserves more than we could ever give.

            There are so many things that people worry about when seeking the Lord, and He understands them all, if we would only go to him honestly, telling him what they are, with a heart that wants those feelings to change. I know, because I do it everyday, when something not so satisfactory enters my mind, I tell the Lord. I fear Him yes, but I fear not telling Him more than I do telling Him, and being sorry.

            Not telling Him, can lead me down the wrong path, but telling Him, he renews and cleanses my mind, and keeps me on the right, blessed path, that He has created for me, that only can lead to blessings, and life. He said, “I am the Way, the Truth, and The Life” and that He is.

            I just got finished eating left over tacos, and they were still pretty good, even though the meat wasn’t heated.  So today I’ve had protein shake (340) beef jerky (50) burger & fries (700) tacos (400) coffee (100) = 1600.

            And I haven’t walked yet, but I will here in just a minute. I had ran to Mama and Daddy’s to tell them about what the Lord revealed to me today, and to show Mama her patches.  She liked them, and likes the material I’ve picked out, that will put the whole thing together.

            Brian walked up front in the middle of his football game, and announced, so seriously, that it was exactly 2 weeks from today, that football starts. I asked who’s playing? He said. College. LSU !!!!! Of course, he’s excited about Georgia, but I know he’s secretly an enthusiastic LSU fan.

            He says he’s a Cowboys fan as well, but he keeps trying to steal all the Saints players. Maybe one day we’ll get him to admit defeat, and come to the light.

            I decided not to quilt Mama a Grandmother’s Flower Garden Quilt. I was going to, but when I got out the pattern, I quickly realized I would have to handstitch the whole entire thing, and I’m just not ready for a project like that, so she’s getting a 9 patch too.

            I’ve decided today is the Sabbath, and I’m not walking, and I don’t feel bad about it one bit.  I feel that today will give me a day of renewal, and not walking today will increase my drive to walk tomorrow. Just deciding to not walk today, I already feel my spirits increasing in determination , and will be rejuvenated for tomorrow morning.

            Saturday really is the Sabbath, and I really look at it that way, every Saturday, I rest. I look at Sunday as the beginning of the work week, and going to church on Sunday, as a labor of love, and a great way to get the week started off right.

            Today I had: protein shake (340), beef jerky (50), hamburger & fries (700) skinny cow ice cream sandwich (150) coffee (100, switched to powdered creamer) tacos (400), skinny cow ice cream sandwich (150) frozen vanilla greek yogurt (100) = 1990 for the day. I had a lot of ice cream today, and it was good, a low cal, so I’m very happy about it.